Last letter

July 20th 2009

One day I will simply go leaving this letter behind as my last note. When the last thread that keeps me tethered to my little world breaks I will simply vanish. I will be gone from the lives of all those who know me. It is a romantic thought, is not it?

Some times I wonder if this is the reason why I continue to live. Something to look forward to…. What else have I in my life? For whom should I live and care for?

Looking back at my old self I wonder whether the little school girl in pig tails was really me. She was so happy, content and sheltered. Never did she think that one day she will be alone, hardly bothered of and hardly loved. May be people still love her. She has friends and a family and lots of relatives. But some how she is never content with their love. How can she be after she has known unconditional, selfless and pure love?

One crime the little girl did. She took that love for granted. And even after long seven years I am still paying the price for her crime.

I continue to be lonely even though people love me. It is the knowledge that none loves me with the same intensity and feeling that shatters me. I know I shouldn’t expect such love from anyone else. But after being nourished with so much love I find it hard to cope with so little love. It is not that I have stopped loving or others have stopped loving me. It is just I continue to put my loved ones before me and finds myself shattered when they put others before me in their life. Somehow they seem to take me for granted. I was never much demanding. But then I had my love with me. My AMMA was there. When she was here I was never wanted for love. How can I be when my angel was there to love me? She should never have loved me with all her heart otherwise I would not have expected that from everyone else. I would have been still happy not knowing what I am missing out on.

I miss you my ammoos. I miss your presence, your smile, your warmth, your chatter, your stories and above all I simply miss you. I thought one day I will come to terms with your going away but now even after seven years, I realize I still have to come to terms with your absence in my life.

You live in my heart and maybe that’s why I keep my heart alive….

One day I will realize its time for me to see my amma and to rest against her heart, with her heart beats singing me my favorite lullabies. I will simply go then. I will leave this note behind to let others know that I am gone to be with my amma.