Monday, May 24, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
Renegade
Renegade I
There was a wound in my heart.
At first it was just a break in the skin.
I didn’t have time to tend for it.
I was busy.
If I graze my knee it heals in no time.
The same with my heart I thought.
I was right and I went on.
Till the day I fell from a heart that had bled itself to death.
Renegade II
I don’t know when I first realized it.
Not today for sure.
I am cursed.
Cursed in a life where people move about me
Jeering me, heaping their anger and frustrations
On me.
I have been trying to stand up
Pushed down again
But now
I can no more
Each time I try to pull myself up
Someone will take a swing at me
Stones pelted
Jeered and bruised;
bleeding and torn apart inside out.
I have now come to impasse
I curse you
Life of meaningless flutters and sheer incapacity
I
Pity the innocence that brought me
Not knowing
I was not thick skinned enough
To withstand everything that came my way
There was a wound in my heart.
At first it was just a break in the skin.
I didn’t have time to tend for it.
I was busy.
If I graze my knee it heals in no time.
The same with my heart I thought.
I was right and I went on.
Till the day I fell from a heart that had bled itself to death.
Renegade II
I don’t know when I first realized it.
Not today for sure.
I am cursed.
Cursed in a life where people move about me
Jeering me, heaping their anger and frustrations
On me.
I have been trying to stand up
Pushed down again
But now
I can no more
Each time I try to pull myself up
Someone will take a swing at me
Stones pelted
Jeered and bruised;
bleeding and torn apart inside out.
I have now come to impasse
I curse you
Life of meaningless flutters and sheer incapacity
I
Pity the innocence that brought me
Not knowing
I was not thick skinned enough
To withstand everything that came my way
Friday, February 12, 2010
today am pretty irritated. a bad cold, a stupid headache and lots of work to finish.. well one thing is for sure am not going to get any work finished today not with my running nose. am getting pretty worked up over it alright. oh well after all its just a cold. may be.. but its so tiresome.
then missing my dear friends today.. didnt talk to them properly last night.. i was rather drowsy last night and didnt talk to them much. wel now am missing them bad.. and am feeling lonely. well i ought to be ashamed of myself. sitting simply and pitying myself. yuck. oh well i can pity myself if i ish so. who else will if i dont. somebody has to pity me and indulge me at times naa.. but that doesnt mean i should live in self pity. just occasional indulgence thats all.. hihi.. after all self pity is never going to get me any where.
some times i feel the loneliness as if the whole universe has conspired to alienate me.
i feel bereft as if torn apart from the heart that lend mine its beats.
i break with the burden of life, knowing that i am the burden of my life.
then missing my dear friends today.. didnt talk to them properly last night.. i was rather drowsy last night and didnt talk to them much. wel now am missing them bad.. and am feeling lonely. well i ought to be ashamed of myself. sitting simply and pitying myself. yuck. oh well i can pity myself if i ish so. who else will if i dont. somebody has to pity me and indulge me at times naa.. but that doesnt mean i should live in self pity. just occasional indulgence thats all.. hihi.. after all self pity is never going to get me any where.
some times i feel the loneliness as if the whole universe has conspired to alienate me.
i feel bereft as if torn apart from the heart that lend mine its beats.
i break with the burden of life, knowing that i am the burden of my life.
my cuppa of tea
February 5th 2009
got up today to the neighbors kids shouts. the tyke he is won't let people sleep. gets up at 5 in the morning... today morning he woke me up at 7 and asked me to clear some doubts of his. i was so sleepy but he juz wouldnt let me go back to bed without clearing his doubts. by the time i packed him off i was so awake that i couldnt sleep anymore. so cursing the drat for spoiling my morning sleep i got up and went to find the newspaper. then went to find my tea and realised that i had to make it. mamma(my step mom) n achan(my father) has gone to palakkad last night to attend a marriage. they wont be back til tomorrow. great no sleep no tea no breakfast. i realy was in no mood to cook. so what did i do? simple.. i waited for my step sister to get up. she was a better cook than me. i had this compulsive problem of burning whatever i cooked.. well actually it only happens when am using a recipe book. anyways my step sisters got up, the youngest is still in school n other in college, they heated up the 'porotta' mamma had left in the refrigerator and made a curry. and thus we had our breakfast. but i had to do my own tea because no one else have the habit while i am addicted to my cuppa of morning tea.
my addiction is somewhat drastic tats wat mamma often say. she hates tea and is always after me to get rid of daily morning cuppa. well. am not about to change the habit not for anything. as long as i remember i have been having tea the instant i am out of bed, sometimes even before brushing my teeth. tat irritates mamma to no end. but for me the cuppa of tea relaxes me, get me over the drowsiness. its over this daily cuppa of tea that i ponder my daily schedule and go over the things to do for the day.. it is this cuppa of tea that gets me going through the day...
got up today to the neighbors kids shouts. the tyke he is won't let people sleep. gets up at 5 in the morning... today morning he woke me up at 7 and asked me to clear some doubts of his. i was so sleepy but he juz wouldnt let me go back to bed without clearing his doubts. by the time i packed him off i was so awake that i couldnt sleep anymore. so cursing the drat for spoiling my morning sleep i got up and went to find the newspaper. then went to find my tea and realised that i had to make it. mamma(my step mom) n achan(my father) has gone to palakkad last night to attend a marriage. they wont be back til tomorrow. great no sleep no tea no breakfast. i realy was in no mood to cook. so what did i do? simple.. i waited for my step sister to get up. she was a better cook than me. i had this compulsive problem of burning whatever i cooked.. well actually it only happens when am using a recipe book. anyways my step sisters got up, the youngest is still in school n other in college, they heated up the 'porotta' mamma had left in the refrigerator and made a curry. and thus we had our breakfast. but i had to do my own tea because no one else have the habit while i am addicted to my cuppa of morning tea.
my addiction is somewhat drastic tats wat mamma often say. she hates tea and is always after me to get rid of daily morning cuppa. well. am not about to change the habit not for anything. as long as i remember i have been having tea the instant i am out of bed, sometimes even before brushing my teeth. tat irritates mamma to no end. but for me the cuppa of tea relaxes me, get me over the drowsiness. its over this daily cuppa of tea that i ponder my daily schedule and go over the things to do for the day.. it is this cuppa of tea that gets me going through the day...
Last letter
July 20th 2009
One day I will simply go leaving this letter behind as my last note. When the last thread that keeps me tethered to my little world breaks I will simply vanish. I will be gone from the lives of all those who know me. It is a romantic thought, is not it?
Some times I wonder if this is the reason why I continue to live. Something to look forward to…. What else have I in my life? For whom should I live and care for?
Looking back at my old self I wonder whether the little school girl in pig tails was really me. She was so happy, content and sheltered. Never did she think that one day she will be alone, hardly bothered of and hardly loved. May be people still love her. She has friends and a family and lots of relatives. But some how she is never content with their love. How can she be after she has known unconditional, selfless and pure love?
One crime the little girl did. She took that love for granted. And even after long seven years I am still paying the price for her crime.
I continue to be lonely even though people love me. It is the knowledge that none loves me with the same intensity and feeling that shatters me. I know I shouldn’t expect such love from anyone else. But after being nourished with so much love I find it hard to cope with so little love. It is not that I have stopped loving or others have stopped loving me. It is just I continue to put my loved ones before me and finds myself shattered when they put others before me in their life. Somehow they seem to take me for granted. I was never much demanding. But then I had my love with me. My AMMA was there. When she was here I was never wanted for love. How can I be when my angel was there to love me? She should never have loved me with all her heart otherwise I would not have expected that from everyone else. I would have been still happy not knowing what I am missing out on.
I miss you my ammoos. I miss your presence, your smile, your warmth, your chatter, your stories and above all I simply miss you. I thought one day I will come to terms with your going away but now even after seven years, I realize I still have to come to terms with your absence in my life.
You live in my heart and maybe that’s why I keep my heart alive….
One day I will realize its time for me to see my amma and to rest against her heart, with her heart beats singing me my favorite lullabies. I will simply go then. I will leave this note behind to let others know that I am gone to be with my amma.
One day I will simply go leaving this letter behind as my last note. When the last thread that keeps me tethered to my little world breaks I will simply vanish. I will be gone from the lives of all those who know me. It is a romantic thought, is not it?
Some times I wonder if this is the reason why I continue to live. Something to look forward to…. What else have I in my life? For whom should I live and care for?
Looking back at my old self I wonder whether the little school girl in pig tails was really me. She was so happy, content and sheltered. Never did she think that one day she will be alone, hardly bothered of and hardly loved. May be people still love her. She has friends and a family and lots of relatives. But some how she is never content with their love. How can she be after she has known unconditional, selfless and pure love?
One crime the little girl did. She took that love for granted. And even after long seven years I am still paying the price for her crime.
I continue to be lonely even though people love me. It is the knowledge that none loves me with the same intensity and feeling that shatters me. I know I shouldn’t expect such love from anyone else. But after being nourished with so much love I find it hard to cope with so little love. It is not that I have stopped loving or others have stopped loving me. It is just I continue to put my loved ones before me and finds myself shattered when they put others before me in their life. Somehow they seem to take me for granted. I was never much demanding. But then I had my love with me. My AMMA was there. When she was here I was never wanted for love. How can I be when my angel was there to love me? She should never have loved me with all her heart otherwise I would not have expected that from everyone else. I would have been still happy not knowing what I am missing out on.
I miss you my ammoos. I miss your presence, your smile, your warmth, your chatter, your stories and above all I simply miss you. I thought one day I will come to terms with your going away but now even after seven years, I realize I still have to come to terms with your absence in my life.
You live in my heart and maybe that’s why I keep my heart alive….
One day I will realize its time for me to see my amma and to rest against her heart, with her heart beats singing me my favorite lullabies. I will simply go then. I will leave this note behind to let others know that I am gone to be with my amma.
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