Monday, May 24, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
Renegade
Renegade I
There was a wound in my heart.
At first it was just a break in the skin.
I didn’t have time to tend for it.
I was busy.
If I graze my knee it heals in no time.
The same with my heart I thought.
I was right and I went on.
Till the day I fell from a heart that had bled itself to death.
Renegade II
I don’t know when I first realized it.
Not today for sure.
I am cursed.
Cursed in a life where people move about me
Jeering me, heaping their anger and frustrations
On me.
I have been trying to stand up
Pushed down again
But now
I can no more
Each time I try to pull myself up
Someone will take a swing at me
Stones pelted
Jeered and bruised;
bleeding and torn apart inside out.
I have now come to impasse
I curse you
Life of meaningless flutters and sheer incapacity
I
Pity the innocence that brought me
Not knowing
I was not thick skinned enough
To withstand everything that came my way
There was a wound in my heart.
At first it was just a break in the skin.
I didn’t have time to tend for it.
I was busy.
If I graze my knee it heals in no time.
The same with my heart I thought.
I was right and I went on.
Till the day I fell from a heart that had bled itself to death.
Renegade II
I don’t know when I first realized it.
Not today for sure.
I am cursed.
Cursed in a life where people move about me
Jeering me, heaping their anger and frustrations
On me.
I have been trying to stand up
Pushed down again
But now
I can no more
Each time I try to pull myself up
Someone will take a swing at me
Stones pelted
Jeered and bruised;
bleeding and torn apart inside out.
I have now come to impasse
I curse you
Life of meaningless flutters and sheer incapacity
I
Pity the innocence that brought me
Not knowing
I was not thick skinned enough
To withstand everything that came my way
Friday, February 12, 2010
today am pretty irritated. a bad cold, a stupid headache and lots of work to finish.. well one thing is for sure am not going to get any work finished today not with my running nose. am getting pretty worked up over it alright. oh well after all its just a cold. may be.. but its so tiresome.
then missing my dear friends today.. didnt talk to them properly last night.. i was rather drowsy last night and didnt talk to them much. wel now am missing them bad.. and am feeling lonely. well i ought to be ashamed of myself. sitting simply and pitying myself. yuck. oh well i can pity myself if i ish so. who else will if i dont. somebody has to pity me and indulge me at times naa.. but that doesnt mean i should live in self pity. just occasional indulgence thats all.. hihi.. after all self pity is never going to get me any where.
some times i feel the loneliness as if the whole universe has conspired to alienate me.
i feel bereft as if torn apart from the heart that lend mine its beats.
i break with the burden of life, knowing that i am the burden of my life.
then missing my dear friends today.. didnt talk to them properly last night.. i was rather drowsy last night and didnt talk to them much. wel now am missing them bad.. and am feeling lonely. well i ought to be ashamed of myself. sitting simply and pitying myself. yuck. oh well i can pity myself if i ish so. who else will if i dont. somebody has to pity me and indulge me at times naa.. but that doesnt mean i should live in self pity. just occasional indulgence thats all.. hihi.. after all self pity is never going to get me any where.
some times i feel the loneliness as if the whole universe has conspired to alienate me.
i feel bereft as if torn apart from the heart that lend mine its beats.
i break with the burden of life, knowing that i am the burden of my life.
my cuppa of tea
February 5th 2009
got up today to the neighbors kids shouts. the tyke he is won't let people sleep. gets up at 5 in the morning... today morning he woke me up at 7 and asked me to clear some doubts of his. i was so sleepy but he juz wouldnt let me go back to bed without clearing his doubts. by the time i packed him off i was so awake that i couldnt sleep anymore. so cursing the drat for spoiling my morning sleep i got up and went to find the newspaper. then went to find my tea and realised that i had to make it. mamma(my step mom) n achan(my father) has gone to palakkad last night to attend a marriage. they wont be back til tomorrow. great no sleep no tea no breakfast. i realy was in no mood to cook. so what did i do? simple.. i waited for my step sister to get up. she was a better cook than me. i had this compulsive problem of burning whatever i cooked.. well actually it only happens when am using a recipe book. anyways my step sisters got up, the youngest is still in school n other in college, they heated up the 'porotta' mamma had left in the refrigerator and made a curry. and thus we had our breakfast. but i had to do my own tea because no one else have the habit while i am addicted to my cuppa of morning tea.
my addiction is somewhat drastic tats wat mamma often say. she hates tea and is always after me to get rid of daily morning cuppa. well. am not about to change the habit not for anything. as long as i remember i have been having tea the instant i am out of bed, sometimes even before brushing my teeth. tat irritates mamma to no end. but for me the cuppa of tea relaxes me, get me over the drowsiness. its over this daily cuppa of tea that i ponder my daily schedule and go over the things to do for the day.. it is this cuppa of tea that gets me going through the day...
got up today to the neighbors kids shouts. the tyke he is won't let people sleep. gets up at 5 in the morning... today morning he woke me up at 7 and asked me to clear some doubts of his. i was so sleepy but he juz wouldnt let me go back to bed without clearing his doubts. by the time i packed him off i was so awake that i couldnt sleep anymore. so cursing the drat for spoiling my morning sleep i got up and went to find the newspaper. then went to find my tea and realised that i had to make it. mamma(my step mom) n achan(my father) has gone to palakkad last night to attend a marriage. they wont be back til tomorrow. great no sleep no tea no breakfast. i realy was in no mood to cook. so what did i do? simple.. i waited for my step sister to get up. she was a better cook than me. i had this compulsive problem of burning whatever i cooked.. well actually it only happens when am using a recipe book. anyways my step sisters got up, the youngest is still in school n other in college, they heated up the 'porotta' mamma had left in the refrigerator and made a curry. and thus we had our breakfast. but i had to do my own tea because no one else have the habit while i am addicted to my cuppa of morning tea.
my addiction is somewhat drastic tats wat mamma often say. she hates tea and is always after me to get rid of daily morning cuppa. well. am not about to change the habit not for anything. as long as i remember i have been having tea the instant i am out of bed, sometimes even before brushing my teeth. tat irritates mamma to no end. but for me the cuppa of tea relaxes me, get me over the drowsiness. its over this daily cuppa of tea that i ponder my daily schedule and go over the things to do for the day.. it is this cuppa of tea that gets me going through the day...
Last letter
July 20th 2009
One day I will simply go leaving this letter behind as my last note. When the last thread that keeps me tethered to my little world breaks I will simply vanish. I will be gone from the lives of all those who know me. It is a romantic thought, is not it?
Some times I wonder if this is the reason why I continue to live. Something to look forward to…. What else have I in my life? For whom should I live and care for?
Looking back at my old self I wonder whether the little school girl in pig tails was really me. She was so happy, content and sheltered. Never did she think that one day she will be alone, hardly bothered of and hardly loved. May be people still love her. She has friends and a family and lots of relatives. But some how she is never content with their love. How can she be after she has known unconditional, selfless and pure love?
One crime the little girl did. She took that love for granted. And even after long seven years I am still paying the price for her crime.
I continue to be lonely even though people love me. It is the knowledge that none loves me with the same intensity and feeling that shatters me. I know I shouldn’t expect such love from anyone else. But after being nourished with so much love I find it hard to cope with so little love. It is not that I have stopped loving or others have stopped loving me. It is just I continue to put my loved ones before me and finds myself shattered when they put others before me in their life. Somehow they seem to take me for granted. I was never much demanding. But then I had my love with me. My AMMA was there. When she was here I was never wanted for love. How can I be when my angel was there to love me? She should never have loved me with all her heart otherwise I would not have expected that from everyone else. I would have been still happy not knowing what I am missing out on.
I miss you my ammoos. I miss your presence, your smile, your warmth, your chatter, your stories and above all I simply miss you. I thought one day I will come to terms with your going away but now even after seven years, I realize I still have to come to terms with your absence in my life.
You live in my heart and maybe that’s why I keep my heart alive….
One day I will realize its time for me to see my amma and to rest against her heart, with her heart beats singing me my favorite lullabies. I will simply go then. I will leave this note behind to let others know that I am gone to be with my amma.
One day I will simply go leaving this letter behind as my last note. When the last thread that keeps me tethered to my little world breaks I will simply vanish. I will be gone from the lives of all those who know me. It is a romantic thought, is not it?
Some times I wonder if this is the reason why I continue to live. Something to look forward to…. What else have I in my life? For whom should I live and care for?
Looking back at my old self I wonder whether the little school girl in pig tails was really me. She was so happy, content and sheltered. Never did she think that one day she will be alone, hardly bothered of and hardly loved. May be people still love her. She has friends and a family and lots of relatives. But some how she is never content with their love. How can she be after she has known unconditional, selfless and pure love?
One crime the little girl did. She took that love for granted. And even after long seven years I am still paying the price for her crime.
I continue to be lonely even though people love me. It is the knowledge that none loves me with the same intensity and feeling that shatters me. I know I shouldn’t expect such love from anyone else. But after being nourished with so much love I find it hard to cope with so little love. It is not that I have stopped loving or others have stopped loving me. It is just I continue to put my loved ones before me and finds myself shattered when they put others before me in their life. Somehow they seem to take me for granted. I was never much demanding. But then I had my love with me. My AMMA was there. When she was here I was never wanted for love. How can I be when my angel was there to love me? She should never have loved me with all her heart otherwise I would not have expected that from everyone else. I would have been still happy not knowing what I am missing out on.
I miss you my ammoos. I miss your presence, your smile, your warmth, your chatter, your stories and above all I simply miss you. I thought one day I will come to terms with your going away but now even after seven years, I realize I still have to come to terms with your absence in my life.
You live in my heart and maybe that’s why I keep my heart alive….
One day I will realize its time for me to see my amma and to rest against her heart, with her heart beats singing me my favorite lullabies. I will simply go then. I will leave this note behind to let others know that I am gone to be with my amma.
I am.....
November 6th 2009
oh wel...one fine day. A little spirit was roaming the world looking for a place to do some mischief. On the way she chanced upon a lady playing with a cherubine.. Lo and behold... The lady unknown to the spirit was a witch. A good witch who works magic with people’s heart and lives. Once she enters someone’s life its laughter n happiness from then on. She had the unique power to leave cheer n love in her wake wherever she went. To say in short the spirit found itself bound by the lady’s magic n she understood for the first time the longing for warmth and love. The spirit, finally at peace, curled itself up inside the lady’s womb, thanking god for this chance to live life as the lady’s child.
The spirit grew up at the lady’s side as her younger child. She had an angel as her playmate, her elder sister, whom she looked upon for everything. Her father was one serious man; a warm loving person beneath the seriousness he projected so well.
As the spirit grew up she chanced upon some unique beings. They were her friends… whom she found out were of her own kinds, of her own spirit. Her friends were her salvagers who lifted her up and supported her when she found herself failing. When tragedy struck and the spirit found its life crushed and derailed it was these godsend beings, her precious friends who gently taught her to walk again……
i am what i am because my mother gave me life; because i have an angel for my sister; because i am my father's daughter; because my friends are my friends.....
oh wel...one fine day. A little spirit was roaming the world looking for a place to do some mischief. On the way she chanced upon a lady playing with a cherubine.. Lo and behold... The lady unknown to the spirit was a witch. A good witch who works magic with people’s heart and lives. Once she enters someone’s life its laughter n happiness from then on. She had the unique power to leave cheer n love in her wake wherever she went. To say in short the spirit found itself bound by the lady’s magic n she understood for the first time the longing for warmth and love. The spirit, finally at peace, curled itself up inside the lady’s womb, thanking god for this chance to live life as the lady’s child.
The spirit grew up at the lady’s side as her younger child. She had an angel as her playmate, her elder sister, whom she looked upon for everything. Her father was one serious man; a warm loving person beneath the seriousness he projected so well.
As the spirit grew up she chanced upon some unique beings. They were her friends… whom she found out were of her own kinds, of her own spirit. Her friends were her salvagers who lifted her up and supported her when she found herself failing. When tragedy struck and the spirit found its life crushed and derailed it was these godsend beings, her precious friends who gently taught her to walk again……
i am what i am because my mother gave me life; because i have an angel for my sister; because i am my father's daughter; because my friends are my friends.....
Blessed were the days
November 8th 2009
My mother died. And when it dawns tomorrow it will be eight years. Don’t know how I have been coping without her for so long. Not a day has passed without my mourning her loss. I have been always thinking that I will get over her going. But somehow even after all these years, I still can’t fathom her absence, of not waking up to her smile, her angelic face. I know I had a blissful time with her. While she was here she made sure that I had a wonderful life. I was never in want for love.
But now she’s gone, leaving in her wake memories sweet and painful to remember.
Blessed were the days she walked this world. But even now with her gone, I continue to walk in the path I set out with her. She may have envisaged this day. But I…. totally sheltered in the comfort of my life with her, never for once did I even think remotely of the possibility of a life without her.
Thank you AMMA for the wonder you are… You taught me love and life...
Love you forever for being my mother… And thank you for leaving behind so many true friends to look after your daughter… Time and again they have stepped in to fill the void and make my life full of all those motherly carings.. But no one can ever in this world replace you darling.. Love you my sweet girl…
My mother died. And when it dawns tomorrow it will be eight years. Don’t know how I have been coping without her for so long. Not a day has passed without my mourning her loss. I have been always thinking that I will get over her going. But somehow even after all these years, I still can’t fathom her absence, of not waking up to her smile, her angelic face. I know I had a blissful time with her. While she was here she made sure that I had a wonderful life. I was never in want for love.
But now she’s gone, leaving in her wake memories sweet and painful to remember.
Blessed were the days she walked this world. But even now with her gone, I continue to walk in the path I set out with her. She may have envisaged this day. But I…. totally sheltered in the comfort of my life with her, never for once did I even think remotely of the possibility of a life without her.
Thank you AMMA for the wonder you are… You taught me love and life...
Love you forever for being my mother… And thank you for leaving behind so many true friends to look after your daughter… Time and again they have stepped in to fill the void and make my life full of all those motherly carings.. But no one can ever in this world replace you darling.. Love you my sweet girl…
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
today am pretty irritated. a bad cold, a stupid headache and lots of work to finish.. well one thing is for sure am not going to get any work finished today not with my running nose. am getting pretty worked up over it alright. oh well after all its just a cold. may be.. but its so tiresome.
then missing my dear friends today.. didnt talk to them properly last night.. i was rather drowsy last night and didnt talk to them much. wel now am missing them bad.. and am feeling lonely. well i ought to be ashamed of myself. sitting simply and pitying myself. yuck. oh well i can pity myself if i ish so. who else will if i dont. somebody has to pity me and indulge me at times naa.. but that doesnt mean i should live in self pity. just occasional indulgence thats all.. hihi.. after all self pity is never going to get me any where.
some times i feel the loneliness as if the whole universe has conspired to alienate me.
i feel bereft as if torn apart from the heart that lend mine its beats.
i break with the burden of life, knowing that i am the burden of my life.
then missing my dear friends today.. didnt talk to them properly last night.. i was rather drowsy last night and didnt talk to them much. wel now am missing them bad.. and am feeling lonely. well i ought to be ashamed of myself. sitting simply and pitying myself. yuck. oh well i can pity myself if i ish so. who else will if i dont. somebody has to pity me and indulge me at times naa.. but that doesnt mean i should live in self pity. just occasional indulgence thats all.. hihi.. after all self pity is never going to get me any where.
some times i feel the loneliness as if the whole universe has conspired to alienate me.
i feel bereft as if torn apart from the heart that lend mine its beats.
i break with the burden of life, knowing that i am the burden of my life.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Dec 6 9 pm …….it is said that only God is perfect. It is said that God is the perfect angel and Satan the lesser angel. If God is perfect then should he be punishing Satan by cursing him that let evil be him. In our lives we are taught and told to forgive them who wronged us. We are taught to love them. Will it be possible for the imperfect man to forgive the wrong doers if the perfect one himself cannot? Hmm, so is not the whole concept wrong? Or did I get it wrong? Correct me if I did……
Dec 31 11 pm ……….’morrow a new year dawns and with that new thoughts and new hopes. Think of today, forget the unwanted past, cherish the sweetest memories. With a prayer in your lips welcome the future. The future is full of life, full of mysteries, full of all those you can’t even think of. But it is there for us to unveil and that is what that keeps us going, always hoping…..
April 13 7.35 pm ……………….. I wish me to be happy, to be contended under all circumstances. i want me to give me the best of best in me. I am proud of me and will always be. I wish to be full of confidence and integrity that will never falter……
Sept 22 8.30 pm …..today I attended my first job interview. The Google conducted 2 written tests at our college and short listed 11 students for the interview. The interview actually had three stages. In the first round I was interviewed by Mr. prem. That one went smoothly. But crashed out in the second round. Poor me. Any ways it was good experience………
Oct 21 11.45 pm ……. Today was definitely a ‘day’. Till 4 in the eve it was alright. Then we planned an outing. First to arappura house coz mama had forgotten her mob and hand bag there. Then to Planetarium and the beach. That was our plan. Thus we reached arappura , retrieved mamma’s things, got back into the car and that was when every thing took a comic turn. The car would not start, so papa went to find a mechanic. Meanwhile a police jeep arrived on the scene. At least half a dozen policemen got down to help us. They were mamma's colleagues. And the entire passerby’s and the locals were staring at us. They must have thought that we had a bomb……. We reached beach by 7 n then pops mob rang. We got back into the car and found that the back wheels were deeply immersed in the loose sand. With help of some guys we got the car back on road by 7.30. we reached the place and pops n mama went to attend the cremation ceremony while we waited in the car. It was a bit scary being parked near a small wood, darkness and an eerie silence adding to our discomfiture..........................................
Dec 31 11 pm ……….’morrow a new year dawns and with that new thoughts and new hopes. Think of today, forget the unwanted past, cherish the sweetest memories. With a prayer in your lips welcome the future. The future is full of life, full of mysteries, full of all those you can’t even think of. But it is there for us to unveil and that is what that keeps us going, always hoping…..
April 13 7.35 pm ……………….. I wish me to be happy, to be contended under all circumstances. i want me to give me the best of best in me. I am proud of me and will always be. I wish to be full of confidence and integrity that will never falter……
Sept 22 8.30 pm …..today I attended my first job interview. The Google conducted 2 written tests at our college and short listed 11 students for the interview. The interview actually had three stages. In the first round I was interviewed by Mr. prem. That one went smoothly. But crashed out in the second round. Poor me. Any ways it was good experience………
Oct 21 11.45 pm ……. Today was definitely a ‘day’. Till 4 in the eve it was alright. Then we planned an outing. First to arappura house coz mama had forgotten her mob and hand bag there. Then to Planetarium and the beach. That was our plan. Thus we reached arappura , retrieved mamma’s things, got back into the car and that was when every thing took a comic turn. The car would not start, so papa went to find a mechanic. Meanwhile a police jeep arrived on the scene. At least half a dozen policemen got down to help us. They were mamma's colleagues. And the entire passerby’s and the locals were staring at us. They must have thought that we had a bomb……. We reached beach by 7 n then pops mob rang. We got back into the car and found that the back wheels were deeply immersed in the loose sand. With help of some guys we got the car back on road by 7.30. we reached the place and pops n mama went to attend the cremation ceremony while we waited in the car. It was a bit scary being parked near a small wood, darkness and an eerie silence adding to our discomfiture..........................................
Excerpts from my diary……...........
Feb 15 7.15 pm ………..my first memory of my infant days is a very cute one. Trying to lick honey from my mother’s fingers. The taste must have been really sweet, the tang of honey flavored with my mother’s sweetness. ….. The very first memory of my school days….hmmm…without doubt a beautiful park (guess it was the real reason I agreed to go to school in the first place). A beautiful park, an enchanting play house, toys, board games, cycles, lots of grounds and very friendly teachers. That was at Vishwajanina. Then the sisters of Carmel, the park again, the grounds, the various activities. Moved on to Nirmala, to become a true nirmalite to the core. The beautiful grounds of nirmala Bhavan, all those lovely trees, and their shades were our favorite haunts. It was there I forged life long friendships. The teachers were more friends, second mothers to us and not simply knowledge imbibers…. It was at this place I spend 10 wonderful years of my life, where I learned to learn, behave, enjoy and above all to love with all my heart… Then moved on to Bhavans. A good school and good teachers. But somehow the atmosphere there was very different from what I was used to. The 2 years there sped fast. Now at NSS College. A very nice place. With good teachers and good friends. In 3 years time I would have left here and found a new place. I hope it will also be a good one. Then one day I want to try the mountains and after that bikes… one day I want to own my own business however small it may. One day I want to become a successful civil servant. Someday I want to marry and be the part of a very beautiful family. And some day I wish to travel the world with just a back pack. I hope all these days will come in my life. I fervently hope it so. I long to see the day when I will recognize that I have fulfilled all these wishes……….
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Sunday, December 2, 2007
is it so?
the most loved people in this world are those who forgot to live their life, those who lived for others , to make others happy sacrificing their own.....
Friday, November 30, 2007
love.....................
love others, with your heart
love them, to fill your heart
for the more you love, the fuller your heart................
love them, to fill your heart
for the more you love, the fuller your heart................
My Angel..............
One day a little spirit was roaming the world looking for a sweet little place to make her home. It was then she noticed a lovely lady playing with a cherubine. The lady enchanted the little spirit. The weeny one could not resist the temptation...... she dived into the lady's womb and curled up there...enjoying the lady's love and warmth and soothing, caring words and smiles....
Soon the lady gave birth to a little girl... she brought up the baby girl wth great love and care... the little spirit grew up fast and strong...... for the little one the lady was the symbol of love, care, understanding, hard work, courage and selflessness.... she was the baby girl's love ,life ,friend and teacher.....
The baby girl's life were filled with happiness... but it was not destined to be like that forever...
Very soon.. the day came when the lady had to leave for the unknown world...
She left; leaving in the baby girl's life a place none could fill............
Soon the lady gave birth to a little girl... she brought up the baby girl wth great love and care... the little spirit grew up fast and strong...... for the little one the lady was the symbol of love, care, understanding, hard work, courage and selflessness.... she was the baby girl's love ,life ,friend and teacher.....
The baby girl's life were filled with happiness... but it was not destined to be like that forever...
Very soon.. the day came when the lady had to leave for the unknown world...
She left; leaving in the baby girl's life a place none could fill............
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